Friday, July 06, 2012

Ready, Aim, Fire...

For as long as I can remember, I have always had to dodge something. It started at a young age. As a kid, I would be ducking, dodging, and weaving. I remember the one time I forgot to dodge though, and it knocked a lot out of me. I am not exactly sure how I remember. Sometimes, when I think about it...everything gets a little foggy.

There I was...playing TAG in Kindergarten. Christopher Best was "IT". He was a speedy little devil. When he started running, a dust cloud like the one that follows the Road Runner around would appeared at his feet. I swore that every time he started chasing me I could hear Speedy Gonzalez's voice in my head, "Andale, Andale...Arriba, Arriba"! It would ring in my ears and I would take off like a rocket.

You see...I was pretty fast back in the day. But, Christopher Best was no slouch. A race between the Road Runner and Speedy Gonzalez...EPIC.

So, as Christopher locked his sights on me, I saw the cloud of dust begin to rise and I took off. I ran as hard and as fast as I could.

Now...before I go any further...I need to preface this story with a question. Who in the heck designs elementary school parking lots? Seriously! Who? Who decides whether or not there should be a full chain link fence around them? Which genius decided that the parking lot should be surrounded by four foot tall, bright yellow, cement poles?

Yeah, I am a little bitter...

I turn back to see if Christopher is gaining on me, and what do you know...the little rabid Kindergarten is on my tail. No matter how hard I ran, he kept gaining on me. This couldn't be happening. I looked back at him, and I smiled. I wasn't sure if it was due to the look of horror on his face or because he had stopped dead in his tracks, but I felt like something had to be wrong. I wasn't going to stop though. I had fallen for that trick before.

As I turned my head forward, a streak of bright yellow was all I could see. It was almost as if someone had painted over my eyes. Then, a flash of light went off in my head. I felt my body flying backwards. Was this another one of Christoper's tricks? Not again. A sharp pain overcame me. My head throbbed and warm red blood trickled from my noise. The welt over my eye was growing by the second.

I would like to think that I calmly faced the situation, but I am sure I was probably hysterical. And, who could blame me? I just had a near death experience. I barely made it out alive, and I wasn't sure if I was ever going to fully recover.

Seriously! The yellow pole literally jumped in front of me. It wasn't there one second, and then all the sudden it is in my eye. What the heck?! Someones sick tricks are not funny. The playground of DOOM was no longer fun. A game of tag with that little demon Christopher Best landed me in the E.R. with a welt the size of a small watermelon.

That was not the first time that I should have ducked or dodged and didn't. But, it was the first one I can vividly remember. I am pretty sure my head LITERALLY.

The pole fiasco was an EPIC FAIL at the idea of "dodging". You could say I "NAILED IT". Since then, I have honed my skills. I am a great dodger now. I am often picked in the top 3 when it comes to Dodgeball. I drive a Dodge. And, I practice James Bond rolls in my living room. That pretty much makes me a professional.

Yeah, I am pretty much awesome.

Top-notch dodging skills and experience are useless if you do not couple them with highly developed and efficient ducking skills. You see the "dodge-duck-dodge" combo is an unstoppable force. If developed properly, the combo can render spectators speechless. Like Neo, you can leave Special Agents in awe as bullets fly all around you. You become a hybrid of amazing things. You become a rodeo clown style ninja that hunts crocodiles. You become a big deal.

My ducking skills were also put to the test at an early age. Failure with dodging shook my confidence. But, even the greatest rodeo clown style ninja that hunts crocodiles fails once in a while.

Right about the time my welt healed, my brother decided it was time to bring it back. To this day, he claims we were in the middle of a training session, but all I remember was him losing it and intentionally trying to maim me. I still have the scars to prove it.

Growing up, we always had the most dangerous toys. We had a round, hard plastic swing. I swear this swing was designed by NASA engineers. The hardness of the swing ensured that not even the surface of the sun itself could melt it.

For some reason, on a normal afternoon, my brother and his friend were playing catch with the swing, throwing it back and forth. First off, who throws a swing...seriously!

To make a long story short, when I wasn't brother hurled the swing at me. No, he didn't toss it or gently push it. He waited to catch me off guard, vulnerable, and exposed. He tried to take my head off. And, for at least the second time in my short life, pictures of me playing with Play Dough flashed in my head. Was this the end?

From that day on, I was dedicated to learning the dodge-duck-dodge combo. And, it has paid off.

When we found out we were having twin boys, I knew the dodging and ducking skills would come in handy. And, anyone who has boys knows why these skills are needed. Upon the arrival of Boston and Braxton, I learned quickly how a premature diaper change could lead to a glorious stream of urine making its way through the air. Chaos would ensue as nothing was safe.

On one particular occasion, Braxton tried to fire his stream at me, but I used the "dodge-duck-dodge" combo. I heard the stream of urine pass by my ear narrowly missing my face. I was getting good.

But, just when you start getting get humbled.

The following is difficult to share. I am still suffering so please bear with me.

The other evening, Meagan and I were preparing to give Boston a bath. As Meagan removed his diaper, Boston began to spray every where. His urine shot up in the air hitting the kitchen counter. In an effort to ensure our counter was not defiled, Meagan pushed Boston's wee-wee and held it so his stream was aimed away from the counter. As she did, his stream increased. All of my training had prepared me for this moment, but when it came down to it...I froze.

In slow motion, the steady stream came flying out me. I felt a warmth against my chest. For a good twenty seconds, I stood there in shock as urine soaked my t-shirt. As the pee session came to a close, Meagan turned to analyze the mess that she would have to clean up...only to see that I had soaked up the majority of the urine already. The look on her face was priceless.

What else could we do but laugh?!

From now on, whenever I hear the loosening of adhesive...I hit the deck. As soon as a diaper comes off, I am out the way.

Hey, we all have to be initiated once right?...

No matter how ready you think you are...even if you are a rodeo clown style ninja that hunts crocodiles, you may want to practice your James Bond rolls so you are officially ready when the time comes.

1 comment:

  1. Kennedy and Shane were outside playing and not much time had passed when Kennedy came back into the house screaming. "Shane threw a swing at me! And it hit me in the face!" How quickly my thoughts raced back to the tales of your tramatic experience. I am hopeful that she will be able to make a full recovery also.