Monday, April 02, 2012

Say What?!!...

Suddenly, I feel like I am learning to speak all over again. My life has been bombarded with new words, if you can call them words. Because with pregnancy, new terminology is thrown at you as if you graduated at the top of your class from John Hopkins University and have been a resident at the medical center for years. It is a jumble of hubbub...see, now I am making up words because I'm not even sure what that means. And, I know a lot, because I have the highest score on Wii's Big Brain Academy. Of course, I am the only one that has played, because who still plays Wii. But, you are all still jealous, I know. Did I also mention I am undefeated in Operation. This includes the original, Shrek, and Star Wars versions.

That pretty much makes me a doctor. Just don't ask me to play the Cars or the Wall-E versions because I don't know anything about cars or robots. PS: R2D2 is a droid and not a robot. Nerds! Noobs! Or something like that.

Anyways, back to this terminology thing. They start out with words like "pregnancy" and "baby". That is confusing enough. We could stop right there to avoid a panic attack. I mean, how did this even happen? Oh yeah, that one night - OR - was it that other night - OR - that other time - OR - that one time when I took a long lunch - OR - wait, there was that one time in the conference room...Whoops! That is what the kids call TMI, but we will get to acronyms later, plus my parents and in-laws are reading this blog so I will spare you the details. Calm down everyone! Put the lotion away. I know it is hard to scroll with dry hands, but you will survive.

Then, they hit you with the words "babies", "twins", and "two". Now, wait a minute...I know they were a lot of long nights, but I don't think that it works that way. After all, I did only take one semester of anatomy in college, but I am not sure what that counts for. I may have to call my dad. He might have been misinformed. Or I wasn't listening. But, when he was talking about two-a-days, I thought he was talking about basketball practice.

When you talk to your OBGYN, she brings up all these crazy terms that sound like some sort of phobia. Maybe I have a phobia of medical terms...does anyone know the name of that? Wait, don't tell me, it would just scare me. I mean, what in the heck does OBGYN stand for anyways? I mean, c'mon, I am just going to start making up acronyms for words I use. Here are a few from my personal catalog; B-Day, X-Mas, ASAP, FYI, LOL, WTF. That's right...why the face? Now, fix that step Phil.

TERMS...or...Words like "placenta", "womb", "cervix", "dilated", "contraction"...which is not a word with an apostrophe t ('t). My second grade teacher lied to me. There seems to be a theme here. My wife is talking right now, but I am not listening. Anyways, the OBGYN continues on with the words "breastfeeding", "cervical mucus", "Lamaze", "Kegel" and "water leakage". These are all confusing for a guy like me. So, let's tackle these one by one.

First: "Breastfeeding" - I know a lot about her breasts, believe me. Those things got us into this predicament. And, they have never fed me anything. I may have done the impossible. I may have ruined breasts.

Second: "Cervical Mucus" - I am not sure what a "cervical" is, but I am pretty sure that mucus is NEVER a good thing.

Third: "Lamaze" - I am a big fan of the European circuit of car racing too, but I am not sure why my OBGYN (yes, she is mine too, I am pregnant after all.) talks about it while in between my wife's legs. She must really like car racing. And, why do we have to pre-register? It is on ESPN8, The Ocho, all the time.

Fourth: "Kegel" - I heard this is an exercise, but it is not on any of the P90X DVDs. So, I am still confused.

Fifth: "Water Leakage" - Why? And, does mucus come with it?

So, after being traumatized by our OBGYN, I am a little on edge. So, with that, I have some more stuff to rant about. Previously, I mentioned how irritated I was with random people touching my wife's belly. Now, I am also irritated with people saying random, stupid stuff. The following words and phrases are deemed unacceptable by those of us in the medical field (remember, I have one semester of anatomy and am the Operation champion):

First: "Fetus" - Really? It is a baby. I do not care what the doctors call it. I call it a baby. So, if you ask me about our fetus, I will slap you in the throat. Just ask our OGBYN, she is still recovering.

Second: "Prego" - You have to be kidding me? Prego?!! Are you asking me if my wife is a tomato based sauce? Is she marinara or spaghetti sauce? Unless I eat it off her, she is neither.

Third: "Preggers" - I'm lost! Weren't all the dinosaurs extinct? Is Jurassic Park real? Because last time I checked none of the dinosaurs got Noah's memo. But, maybe that mosquito-tree sap thing worked out.

Fourth: "Do you know what you are having?" - Well, I hope that it is a baby. But, a "Monkey Weilding the Flaming Sword of Doom" would be cool too. After all, I already have the unicorn.

Fifth: "Are you expecting?" - Expecting what? A million dollars? A new car? To win the Republican nomination? To that, I answer all of the above.

If you can't understand why I am mad, then I don't have time for you.

Until next time...that's it...until next time.


  1. You are hilarious!! You make being pregnant a whole lot more bearable and my husband loves your posts!!

    1. Thank you for reading and following. I appreciate the kind words. Feel free to tell your friends. I am planning on making the humorous parts into a book on pregnancy from the asinine view of a man. Lots of new posts coming soon! Spread the word and good luck with your pregnancy!

  2. Justin,

    Nice post! I am glad my son has the opportunity to go through the things that I endured as a young dad. Now I can again live them vicariously again. I love you my friend. I am grateful for you and your good wife. I look forward to the little guys and I having a Slurpee and hanging out.


    1. Thanks Pop! We are lucky to have you.

  3. I love reading these... It's a great laugh, and I look forward to more.

    1. Thank you so much for reading. I am glad they are being enjoyed. They are a good laugh for the wife and myself. I appreciate the feeback. Feel free to follow and share with your friends. The more feedback and ideas, the better. Planning on making the humorous posts into a funny book on pregnancy.