Saturday, August 18, 2012

10 Things To Never Speak Of...

Dear Boys,

Hold up! Wait! Don't call CPS! We may need to have this message self destruct after being read. I really probably shouldn't show these things to the public, but I feel you should know about your childhood. 

First, I love your mother very much. She is an amazing mom. But, in the chaos of raising twins. She will, on occasion, lose it. I am not proud of the following images, and I am getting your mother help for her issues. The following 10 images are things that we should never speak of again. These are things that I will try to ensure your mother never does to you again.

#1: Mommy will steal your Bumbo chairs and brainwash daddy into using them as helmets with her.
#2: Mommy will toughen you up with temporary tattoos in order to scare off other mom's at the grocery store.
 #3: Dress you guys up as Nuns.
#4: Make you work nights at Chippendale's in order to help pay for formula and diapers.
#5: This...
#6: Dress you up in MC Hammer pants and have you put on a concert just for her...
"Can't touch this..."
#7: Make you wear some make shift version of a medieval bonnet.
#8: Dress you up as characters from the novel, "Little Women".
#9: Continue dress rehearsal for her own production of "Little Women".
#10: Dress you up as a train conductor or European policeman walking the beat for Scotland Yard.
So, as you can see your mother is quite creative is her daily activities. And, while I don't approve of her actions, I love her very much. I am trying to get her the help she needs.

The therapy is working, and one day, you should be free of the horrors of your childhood. Or so I think...

Sorry CPS! 

I love you boys!

Love.
Dad



Friday, August 17, 2012

Wanna Take This Outside...

Dear Boys,

Today, you became men.

That's right! Temporary tattoos of geckos make you a man!

And, if they don't...than having a fake rap album definitely does...

I love you guys.

Love,
Dad

Thursday, August 16, 2012

No Words...

Boys,

My heart is full.

We have been blessed and I am grateful.

I do not have the words to express my graditude to my Father in Heaven and His Beloved Son, Jesus Christ.

I am grateful for mommy and each of you.

I love you all so very much!

Life is good...
I love you.
Love your old man.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Handsome Males Seeking Female Companionship...

HELLO LADIES!

SUMMER IS HEATING UP. ARE YOU LONELY?
LOOKIN' FOR A LAST MINUTE SUMMER FLING?!

THEN TAKE A GANDER AT TWO OF HENDERSON'S MOST ELIGIBLE & SOUGHT AFTER BACHELORS.

Behind door #1:

He may be small, but he is mighty. Ever heard the phrase "It's not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean?" That phrase was created to describe this handsome, little devil. At 2 months old, he enjoys a warm bottle in the dim light while cooing at the ceiling fan. His idea of a perfect date is a lavender bubble baths, saline drops, and a good burping.

While sporting a fresh new Pamper, he often can be seen rolling in his luxury stroller. At 10 pounds and 8 ounces, he offers the ladies the unbelievable combination of brains and brawn. At 22 inches long, he can reach the formula from the top shelf with a small boost. This momma's boy can sneak his way into any woman's heart.

To avoid further drooling, I present to you Boston Jammer Barrow...

 Behind door #2:

It may be an extra wide door, but even the chunky guys need love. Want warmth in the winter and shade in the summer? Most days, you can find this large lover sleeping in the touchdown position. He enjoys a soft animal print boppy and his hedgehog bink. His sensitive tummy enjoys a warm bottle of Similac Sensitive from time to time. He's known to be a little gassy, but what he brings in scent is quickly forgotten when you look into his baby blues.

He enjoys late nights rocking in his glider while listening to the soothing sounds of Kenny G. Whether he is snuggling his giraffe or his favorite blanky from his Nana, his smile is to die for. At 12 pounds and 9 ounces, this tank knows how to show the ladies a good time. At 23 inches long, he can fill out a sleeper better than most. He is chunky and he knows it, but he works out.

Whether it is your crib or his, this guy knows how to fill up a diaper in more ways than one. This Braxton is no false alarm.Without further adieu, here's Braxton Parker Barrow...
These inspirations for the movie Magic Mike will leave you giddy. Channing Tatum doesn't have anything on these two. Regardless of whether you choose door 1 or 2, you will not be disappointed with either of these former Chippendale's Dancers.



Thursday, August 09, 2012

Relaxation Nation...


Boys,

RELAX!

Sometimes, you just have to relax a little. As you get older, it is harder to find the time to relax. Since you guys were born, your mom and I haven't had hardly anytime to relax at all.

Sometimes, you just need to "chill out, calm down, and take a break".

Your Papi loves to say "REEEE-LLLLAAAXXXX"! I like to tell your mommy to relax, but it just makes her mad at me. 

On occasion, you guys will lose your little minds. You will scream your heads off at your mommy and I. But, you guys also know how to relax. Below is a collection of some of your finest relaxation moments.
Mouse knows how to RELAX too!

Keep relaxing guys. Life gets crazy, so relax while you can. 

I love you.

Love,
Dad

Monday, August 06, 2012

Bumbo What?!

As a kid, I never dreamed about being an inventor. I was perfectly happy using the creations of others with the exception of the toilet. I mean, why waste water when there are perfectly good trees outside that need to be watered?! Logical right?! My mom didn't seem to think so. Neither did my first grade teacher or principal. I guess they didn't care about the environment like I did. Or should I so do, because my wife still gets mad at me.

 Anyways, that is beside the point. As a youngster, I was enjoying using the items that others had worked so hard to create for me.

However, as I have gotten older, I have gotten the itch to invent something. And, yes I know that the toupee has already been invented. Very funny guys! But, seriously...I find myself brainstorming ideas and doodling on napkins. Does playing Hangman and Tic-Tac-Toe count? At any rate, I have a desire to create something, invent something, give the world something.

But what?!

I started off slow. First, I thought about items that go well when coupled together...like spaghetti and meatballs, peanut butter and jelly, ball and bat, man and dog, TV and remote, cheerleaders and football, and John Stamos and ice cream. Don't ask about the last one. And, then it hit me. The inspiration came easily enough when my buddy, Jonas, came by. Jonas, as claimed by himself, has always had a great sense of style. Sometimes, I think that he think that he is ahead of his time. That was a mouth full. Anyways, Jonas has a few favorite ensembles, but here's one of his all-time favorites...

And it goes like this...

"Take me by the tongue
and I'll know you
kiss me till you're drunk
and I'll show you"

That's right. I got you to sing. Don't lie. I know I did. As soon as you read, "And it goes like this..."

"Take me by the tongue
and I'll know you
kiss me till you're drunk
and I'll show you"

Got you again! You started singing again. This is TOO easy. But, really...it goes like this:
SOCKS WITH SANDALS!

One of America's greatest Saturday morning combos! Thus, the beginning of my creation. But, as awesome as the socks are, I felt like they were not helping the sandals reach their full potential. As I pondered this quandary, it came to me. Sandals go good on the beach. Metal detectors go good on the beach. That was it...METAL DETECTING SANDALS! Brilliant!

But, little did I know, someone beat me to it. My hopes were crushed. My prototype was useless...well besides the $2.12 in change that I found on the beautiful shores of Lake Mead.

So, it was back to the drawing board. And, not long after, on another Saturday morning, it came to me. As I sat there eating boring round waffles and using the computer, it came to me. THE PERFECT COMBO! Why didn't I think of this before?! It was so obvious.

How about a waffle maker that produces waffles in the shape of a computer keyboard? It would sell like hot cakes. Get it? Hot cakes?! Waffles are like hot cakes. Nevermind, if you have to explain it...it isn't funny.

Can you imagine the popularity among bloggers, gaming nerds, and computer programmers. Heck, over 11 million nerds play World of Warcraft alone. The cash register was ringing.

But, once again, prototype in production...patent pending...patent denied. Someone beat me to it again. Who knew the waffle maker business was so cut-throat?

Frustrated, I went back to the drawing board one last time. What could I invent that would be useful to so many people. As I sat in my cubicle, sweating it out on another last minute deadline, it came to me. Sweat was accumulating at the base of my throat. My neck was on fire. I had to loosen the tie. There it was...the thought that would change the lives of millions...how about a USB powered fan within the knot of the necktie.

But, once again, my top notch idea was defeated by Japanese brilliance, ingenuity, and overall awesomeness.

Inventing was tougher than I ever imagined.  My ideas were ones that would mold and change a generation, but I couldn't buy a break. While little kids were making millions off bottle cap necklaces and silly shaped rubber bands; my metal detector sandals, keyboard shaped waffle makers, and USB air conditioned ties were stolen by other savvy inventors.

As I reevaluated my life and my significance in the universe over a bowl of Oatmeal, I realized that I didn't really care about being an inventor anymore. I wasn't really concerned with bringing a product to the public that would change lives. I wasn't really concerned with being rich or famous. I was only concerned with being able to name the product. That was it. I just wanted to name it.

I wasn't asking much. Just a simple name.

Like the Bumbo! What lucky guy got to name that ingenious invention. What a lucky basta...

Hold up! Hey!

"For my ni..."

That's right...got you singing a little Nate Dogg and Dr. Dre right there.

 But, this is a kid's program.

Back to our champion...the Bumbo. What a name! It is pure marketing brilliance. Think about it. If we were walking together, and I was like..."I cannot wait to go sit in my Bumbo!" Your naturally response would be "What in the heck is a Bumbo?!" And, the overwhelming urge to find, buy, and sit in a Bumbo would consume you.  I bet the majority of you are going to go buy a Bumbo right after this post...if you can wait that long.

The Bumbo...why didn't I think of that. My kids love to watch Dumbo while eating Gumbo in their Bumbo.
Dr. Seuss is jealous of both my kids and my rhymes. Not to mention my ADHD!

The Bumbo is a great product with an even better name. I cannot even get over how incredibly, amazingly, awesome the name is. And, the product can be used for both butts and heads. If you ever want to pretend to be a Spartan Warrior then the Bumbo will come in handy. If I was them, I would market the Bumbo to adults. After all, we found it useful.
So, moral of the story...at this point in time, my goals have changed. I no longer have a desire to invent anything. I just want to name something. That is all. I am not asking for much.

Then I had an idea...and it goes like this...

"Take me by the tongue
and I'll know you
kiss me till you're drunk
and I'll show you"

Gotcha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

But, really...on a hot Saturday night while giving my wife a back rub, it hit me. I could do both...invent and name.

And, now...I have TWINS.
PS: Neither one is named Bumbo.

Sunday, August 05, 2012

A Patting Approval...

Let me preface this post with the following:
I do NOT care what your political views are. I do NOT care which candidates you support. I do NOT care if you like Romney or Obama or any other politician. That is not what this is about. That discussion is better suited for a different time and place. So, please keep all political comments off of the blog. Thank you!

**************************************

Dear Dudes,

Today was a good day! Even though both of you woke up on the wrong side of the crib, it was still a good day. And, that happens on occasion. I wake up with bad hair days all the time, so I know how you guys feel.

After some suds, we dressed you boys in some sweet Sunday onesies, shorts, and the finest Sunday kicks this side of the Mississippi. After getting dressed, Boston was still pretty cranky and went back to sleep. So, for today's purposes, Braxton will be modeling the new Sunday look.

It's GQ time...

From the birdie tie...

To the kicks...
The kicks are so awesome that they make the picture blurry. As the youngsters would say, "You guys were lookin' FRESH."

Church was great. For the first time, Braxton, you went up to the pulpit to bare your testimony with me. We talked about how we were both bald and chunky. We also told every one how Heavenly Father has a sense of humor, and that we love that about the man upstairs.

And, Boston, you went up with Mommy. Mommy and you talked about prayer and how important it is to you. You guys talked about the love of a family, and Mommy said she has 3 kids. Yeah, she considers me a kid.

While in the spotlight, both of you slept the entire time and neither of you farted in the direction of the microphone...so that was a relief.

Just like your Great Grandpa Imlay, you slept through sacrament and woke up when it was time for a snack.

While standing outside the door to Sunday School, I spotted some peculiar gentleman standing at opposite ends of the hallway. The both stood at attention, hands crossed at their waist. The both had a spacial pin on the lapel of their jackets. And, in their left ears, each of them had an ear piece. At first, I thought it was the security force that Nana had hired to make sure you boys were alright.

Seriously! You Nana is a little paranoid. But, at second glance, I knew exactly who they were. I had seen them before. They were with the Secret Service. The gentlemen standing guard in the hallway meant only one thing...the Senate Majority Leader, Senator Harry Reid was attending the Eldorado Valley Ward today. Senator Reid is one of the most powerful men in the United States government, and he works closely with President Obama.

Senator Reid has achieved a more senior elected position than any other Mormon in the history of the United States. Also, if he finishes his current term, he will be one of only six men in history to serve 6 years as a Majority Leader. Those are significant accomplishments. Regardless of whether or not you like him as a politician, it is pretty neat to be within arm's reach of someone with that amount of power.

As I held you (Braxton) in the hallway, Senator Reid approached us. He told me that he appreciated my testimony. We awkwardly shook hands because I was holding a sleeping Braxton in my arms. He proceeded to ask how old you guys were and if you were both boys. I responded proudly that you guys were identical twin boys. With an approving smile, he softly patted you (Brax) on the head and said "You got a handsome fella there, keep up the good work". Then, he moved on to join his wife in Sunday School.

So, at just short of 8 weeks old, Braxton Parker Barrow received a patting approval from one of our higher ranking officials in the United States Government. I don't know if politics will be in your future Braxton, but you made an impression on Senator Reid.

How many 8 week old babies can say that?

It was a pretty cool experience.

But, while in Sunday School, it made for a little bit of an awkward situation. I was tasked with making Boston a bottle during class. Normally, it is no big deal, but when you are trying to be sneaky and mix mystery powder with a liquid in a small container...it can raise some eye brows. I have expected to be taken down by Reid's guards.  But, in the end, it turned out alright and Boston enjoyed his bottle just a row away from the Senator.

While in Sunday school, Braxton was talking up a storm. He was trying to answer questions and get any sort of attention that he could.

Happily, he spent the remainder of the class looking excitedly at the ceiling.
video

It was a pretty good day at church. Boston slept through most of it, so we didn't get many pictures of him. But, Braxton, for a portion of it, was wide awake and talking up a storm.

After church, we spent the day at Grampy and Grammy Imlay's house. You guys hung out with your Aunt Riss and your cousins too. We lounged around the house...talking, reading, and napping. It was great to just be around the family and enjoy each other's company. We had a good dinner cooked by Grammy and Riss did family home evening.

We were reminded that we have a lot to be grateful for. And, I am so grateful for the two of you and your mom. I am grateful for family and their love. And, I love spending some quiet, relaxing time together on Sunday.

And, that's what I love about Sundays!

I love that I get to spend the day with you boys. I love that I don't have to leave you for ten hours to go to work. I love that we can sit as a family in church. I love that we are a family. And, I love you.

Love,
Dad

Saturday, August 04, 2012

A Day and Night on the Town...

Dear Boston & Braxton,

On Friday, mommy brought you guys to visit me for lunch. It is always awesome to see you during the day. When I am at work, I miss you guys a lot, so it is really nice when mommy and you guys can visit. For lunch, we went to Applebee's. Boston really liked the drink menu.

On Saturday, you guys went out for frozen yogurt for the first time. We went with Grampy Parker and Stacy. Grampy Parker was very excited to see you. He has been very busy with work, so he hasn't seen you very much since you have been home. He is working on building a car for a TV show. Pretty cool huh?!

Braxton hung out with Grampy first. And, he even welcomed him to the family by leaving a surprise on his t-shirt.


Boston also hung out with Grampy, but he slept the majprity of the time.

You guys loved all the colors at the frozen yogurt place. Braxton was going crazy looking at everything.


We had a good time, and you guys went out for frozen yogurt for the first time. But, in the end, you guys were happy to head home.


Love you guys.

Love,
Dad