Tuesday, April 03, 2012

No Touchy...No Touch...

*This one is a work in progress, but I figured I would post the rough idea...

Are you kidding me?


Why is this happening?

Will this ever end?

When is it my turn?

This is the barrage of questions that currently bounce around my skull on a daily basis, each hitting with a resounding thud. I know what you are thinking, but the doctors voluntarily released me from the asylum based on my good behavior. Yes, the voices still talk to me, but I don’t talk back anymore. Well, unless I forget to take my meds. I can’t remember if I took them this morning or not…

Did someone say something? Anyone? Excuse me for a moment…“No way…we can’t do that…or that…THE Prrrreeeeeccccciiiioooouuussssssss.”

As, I was saying, I don’t have a problem. And, I was released on my own recognizance, so I have that going for me.

Enough about me, let’s just get to the point. Is there such thing as personal space? A bubble of safety? An area that belongs to you and only you? I believe there is, or, at least there should be. So, don’t wipe a booger in mine and I won’t hock a loogie in yours. It is really pretty simple. Don’t fart in my bubble and I won’t flatuate in yours. Gas from my ass is a little classier than yours. So, simply put, don’t wave your junk in my bubble and I won’t insert my privates in yours. Wow! This just got awkward. Still, if you don’t understand this, then I don’t have time for you.

Anyways, throughout life, people usually respect that space. Trips to Disneyland and foreign countries not included. If we exclude Disneyland and some foreign countries, people just don’t go around touching other people…well, except for that one time on the strip, but you were released on bail 24 hours later, so I guess it is alright.

However, when it comes to Disneyland…the gloves are off. It is the perfect cocktail of foreigners, clueless people, and vertically challenged, overly excited people (aka children) that are right at that perfect hit for catastrophe to occur. I vividly remember standing in line for The Haunted Mansion and feeling two tiny hands on my butt checks. At that moment, I turned to my wife with a big smile and said, “At least wait until we are in the dark.” She looked confused. Then, without warning a head butt to my crotch sent stars to my head. And, I am not talking about the good stars…I am not talking about the bow-chicka-wow-wow stars. The Barry White CD was not playing in the background. They were the “I think I might possible have an exploded testicle stars”. I doubled over as a mom apologized to me for her son’s violation of my privates. I winced and turned my head to see a small Asian woman grinning at me. And, what do you know…her tiny hands were still on my cheeks.

There is one other instance when personal space disappears. The bubble is popped and one no longer has an area to call their own. I have observed, first hand, that woman is pregnant; people suddenly lose all respect for personal space. Is there a law somewhere that states, "Statue 127-b: All persons shall respect the personal bubbles of others up until the time a person becomes pregnant, at which point, persons may take the liberty to violate the pregnant woman's personal space and privacy by treating her like the latest attraction at the petting zoo". It must be written somewhere, because that is exactly what happens.

Why is it suddenly appropriate for you to touch my wife’s belly? Why? Please let me know because I am confused. Is it because you know she slept with me? Trust me; there wasn’t a lot of sleeping going on. That is what got us here to begin with. Is the fact that you know she is taken condone your actions of affection.

I feel like I am ranting a little. But, random strangers are attracted to my wife’s belly. They feel a need to have a moment with it. People we have never met will lay their hands on my wife’s belly before we even have a chance to stop it.

Elderly ladies are the worst. They are drawn to the belly like Tiger Woods to waitresses, teen girls to Justin Beiber, or Gollum to the ring. They must have the precious.

You could easily change the movie “Lord of the Rings” to “Lord of the Babies”. Simply insert a pregnant woman for Frodo, her belly for the ring, and an army of elderly women for the forces of the Evil Lord Sauron, and you can pretty much have the same story.

Picture this scene…a young child walking through the mall with his mom when he suddenly spots a gumball machine. Before spotting the machine, he was behaving. He was walking close by and being relatively quiet. But, at the sight of the gumball machine, all hell breaks loose. And, I am not talking about just any ole’ gumball machine. I am thinking about the ones where the gumball must travel through a modified version of Mousetrap before reaching its final destination.

If you haven’t seen what I am talking about…then you didn’t look at the picture above!

Kids love these things. They will beg, cry, and throw tantrums just to put a quarter in one. They don't really care about the gum. It is just the spectacle. It is the same with old ladies and a pregnant woman. When a pregnant woman dares bring her belly out in public, the alarm sounds. And, the old ladies respond, wide eyed and eager to lay their hands on a complete stranger. They make a b-line to the belly coming at it with determined, wide eyed, and eager for some belly time.

As big as the belly may be, it is not Buddha’s so there is no reason to rub it. It is not going to change your life. It is not going to bring luck. It is only going to bring awkwardness and a possible roundhouse kick to your ankle.

People will ask us if they can pet our dogs before doing so, but with the belly, they just go for it. If they do ask, it is usually because we give them the “stank face”. However, they don’t ask until their hands are already on the belly. What is that about? It is a little too late to ask now. Your hands are already there now. My butt itches; can you scratch it for me since you already here?

My wife will now just start growling at people when they get near her belly. As soon as the hand starts to move, she growls. If they continue to pursue the idea, she may let out a bark or two. If that doesn’t stop the issue, she will snap at them and begin foaming at the mouth. Protect what is yours.

If you are a belly toucher, you have been warned.

No Touchy...No Touch….unless you want to touch my belly. If that is the case, please feel free. No applications or permission required. Touch away. After all, I have been working on this thing for 27 years not just 9 months.

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