You Want a What?!!!...

The top secret, volatile, late night missions to the local gas station, drive-thru, and grocery store became routine. Eventually, the graveyard shift at Albertson's, 7-Eleven, Del Taco, Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendy's, Friendly's Donuts and Juan's Taco Shop knew me by name. In-depth conversations would follow my purchases of apple juice and pepperoni, Slurpee's and Air-Heads, combination burritos and Cherry Coke, nachos supreme and soft tacos, chicken nuggets and McDoubles, Frostys and side salads, custard filled and chocolate cake donuts, and fajitas with mystery meat. By the way, all of these items were purchased at the same time only once. That is a night that we refuse to talk about, so please do not ask.

Anyways, back to all my homies on the graveyard, our bond was growing every night and I began to feel like we were family. Tommy bags my groceries at Albertson's and asks me about my wife's ankles. Sally rings up my Slurpee and 7-Eleven and inquires about the size of my boys. Johnny at Del Taco passes me a macho Cherry Coke and asks how Dr. Huang is treatin' us. Janet at Taco Bell gives me extra napkins and asks if the boys are kickin' ten times each in an hour. And, when I say yes, she places a gold star on our spreadsheet. Damon at Mickey D's asks if I want fries with that right after he asks how Meagan is feeling. George from Wendy's puts extra fries in the Frosty because he knows that is how she wants it. Pho at Friendly's creates her dozen before I make it to the register. And, Juan reminds me how many weeks along she is as he adds extra cheese to the tortilla.

As you can see, we are tight. These habitual trips have given me numerous precious moments with my closet friends at each window and register. Many were invited to my next Harry Potter birthday party. With each trip, we have grown closer to the point that Juan sleeps in our backyard and Pho is part of the family reunion.

Needless to say, the challenge had slipped away. It was too easy, and it left me itching for more. The missions had become in and out affairs, and...yes, there were missions to In-N-Out also.I felt I had honed my skills. I was a master of my domain. I had climbed to the top of the mountain, or so I thought. I thought I had reached the pinnacle, but then the third trimester began.

It started out as I expected, but the missions were more frequent. And, as they became more frequent, they became more pressing. Eventually, the late night room service kitchen became her number one option.

The room service requests at 10:30 p.m., midnight, and 3:12 a.m. started out regularly enough. First, it was a late night request that began with a hard nudge to my rib cage as I dreamed of Jeannie. I woke up gasping for breath and clutching my side as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich was order with a side of Triscuits and a fortune cookie.

Other than the secret ninja moves used to awake me from my slumber, the order was expected.

And, when she ventured down to the kitchen to raid the cupboards and the fridge, it was actually quite comical. It began innocently enough with her pouring some Kool-Aid and grabbing a banana. But, as she passed the banana, she glimpsed a donut which made its way to the collection. But, if she was going to have a donut, then milk was a necessity. As she grabbed the milk, she glimpsed the orange. As she grabbed the orange, she realized that she couldn't leave the cheese stick alone. Soon, the group of two turned to six. At that point, she thought, string cheese is better with pepperoni, so that made its way to the table. There was too much milk for only one donut, so it was necessary to add a cookie to the snack. And, what snack would be complete without a popsicle. Her masterpiece was almost complete.

The pepperoni covered, cheese topped, glazed coated, banana flavored, orange filled, chocolate chip donut with a popsicle on the side and a glass of milk was all that was needed to accompany her glass of tropical punch Kool Aid. And, this was just the beginning.

At 3:12 a.m. on Thursday, I was awoken by a UFC style Superman punch and the order of what I thought was a peanut butter sandwich and a pickle. After a quick jab restored my sense, I realized she was asking for a peanut butter and pickle sandwich. Yum!

The only problem with this one was there weren't enough pickles.

The next night, after running to the store at 1:34 a.m. for more peanut butter, a request for a PB and BB was placed. The following creation was a toasted peanut butter sandwich complete with sliced bananas and bacon.

Unique sandwiches followed on a regular basis. It began with the French's Lay's Bologna Classic. It was quickly followed up by the Pickled PB&J. Not to be overdone, the Maple Hot Cake Dog followed. Still yearning for me, she forced me to create a monster in the White Cheddar Jalapeno'd Peanut Butter Toast.

The cravings were often and they were crazy. But, eventually, they slowed down. And, at one point, I thought they had gone away. But, one night, while babysitting my niece and nephew I realized she had a problem. I cooked Shane Macaroni and Cheese, while Kennedy asked for a Hot Dog. My wife in return made a MAC-A-DOG, and with a smile she asked "Where is the chili?"