The Seat Is Up...

The confusion. The chaos. The lunacy. The insanity.

The madness...OH, THE MADNESS.

Our humble abode has been turned into a slightly less whimsical version of Alice in Wonderland lately. On a daily basis, I feel as if I am confronted by The March Hare or The Hatter as a world of nonsensical madness occurs when I get home from work. It is as if the "eternal tea party" begins sharply at six o'clock upon my arrival. But, like I said, our Wonderland is a lot less whimsical. I am not surprisingly greeted by talking doorknobs after chasing a white rabbit with a pocket watch. We are fresh out of blue Caterpillars smoking hookah. Absent is the massive, menacing grin of the Cheshire Cat. On occasion, the "Queen of Hearts" is present, but that is only when certain relatives are visiting. I will refrain from naming names on this one.

Still, with all those elements simultaneously missing, our crazy little house is much like the chaotic world that Alice visits. I am really not sure how it is alike so don't ask. It seemed like a good comparison at some point in time. Maybe it was that time my wife had too much sugar and she was acting like The Mad Hatter. That must have been it...see, I am not crazy. And, in a few months, it will definitely always be a crazy house. Anyways...

After a long day at work, I am greeted by a tired pregnant wife who has shared an equally long but more difficult work day. After all, she is carrying twins! I am pregnant too, but I think it is a little tougher on her than me. That is, well, before the chaos starts.

Now, I told you the story above for no real reason other than I like to hear myself talk. Lets get to the real issue at hand...

Women, we must start by getting one thing straight...men are creatures of habit. If you didn't know this, then I don't have time for you. Seriously, no time. With that said, ladies, IF you train us well enough, we are like the faithful dog. We will do thy bidding. We will always be there for you when you need us, and we may even be good enough to fetch your slippers.

But, this one is on you. If we fail, you fail. After all, it was your job to train us. You cannot just get a new puppy and leave it alone all day. You have to care for it and nurture it. You have to play with us (wink...wink), you have to feed us, and you have to clean up after us. And, sometimes, you have to let us go out on our own.

Habits. You instill the habit in us, and we are your faithful followers. You have to keep your end of the bargain though. It is as simple as that.

For my entire life, I have been taught certain things. These are things that my mom taught me and my wife continued to urge. See, it was good training. They stuck with the program. They bared with the flaws and pushed it until I got it right. They helped develop a habit. Well, they developed several good ones, but we are going to focus on one.

Time for a guessing game...

Hint #1: Boys are taught to do it at a young age

Hint #2: If they don't do it, it drives the girls in the house crazy

Hint #3: It happens in the bathroom

Hint #4: A guy is supposed to do it after they drain their lizard

If you said "wash your hands"...then you were wrong. I am not saying I condone not washing your hands after using the restroom. Actually, it is quite the contrary, you cannot wash your hands soon enough.

We are obviously addressing the toilet seat here. For years, I have been yelled at for leaving the toilet seat up. At first, I did it for the dog. Then, I felt like I was just improving every one's pit stop time. Then, I felt like I was helping people avoid accidents. Lets be honest here. We all have had that time where we really, really had to go. I am talking about your eyes turning yellow and watering. I am talking about the potty dance. I am talking about close calls here.

You are imagining it now. You rush into the bathroom slamming your shoulder against the wall on the way in. You want to rub your shoulder, but the ramming of the wall almost ended with urine spilling to the floor. It was almost like 8th gra...I mean 2nd...like 2nd grade all over again. As you approach the toilet, the urge to spill urine becomes overwhelming. You forget about the shoulder injury and the possible reconstructive surgery it is gonna need later. You have one mission at this point...Don't PEE Your Pants! You begin to struggle with your belt, pants button, and/or zipper. You thrash around like you are attempting to escape from a straight jacket. Your curse like a sailor and wonder why you ever purchased the stupid belt in the first place. The urine is about to escape and find its way to the floor. With that, you suddenly find yourself doing an awkward version of The Running Man in the middle of the bathroom. As you do, your pants slide quickly to floor causing you to almost fall face first into the toilet in the middle of one of your awesome dance moves. If you are lucky, you catch yourself while making some sort of "stank face". You are just in time to free your private area and let it fly. This embarrassing scene can only be capped off one way...

And, that is with you letting it fly all over the floor because you couldn't get the toilet seat up in time.

And, that is only if it was #1. If it was #2, that is another story altogether. See, in my defence...the leaving of the toilet seat is a strategic move.

Even with the facts laid out before them, women still want the toilet seat put down. So, for the past twenty plus years, I have been abiding by the rules. For the most part, I put the toilet seat down as requested by those in authority.

Now, that habit has been formed. I am trained. It took twenty plus years, but I know what I am doing. I almost feel dirty if I leave the toilet seat up.

But, with pregnancy come chaos. Suddenly, I have The Mad Hatter screaming at me from the bathroom as she does her pregnant version of the Macarena while trying to remove the maternity jeans. Told you that Alice in Wonderland thing would make sense at some point. This hysterical scene comes complete with sighs, expletives, dancing, and screaming. It will be on Broadway soon I'm sure.

And, why all the commotion? Because I put the toilet seat DOWN. And, with that, twenty plus years of training down the drain. You failed me...I didn't fail you. You cannot teach an old dog new tricks...so...from now on, the seat is up my friends. The seat is up! And, it is UP to STAY!

Oh...the bedlam, the pandemonium, the anarchy of the toilet seat.

#TOILETSEATPROBLEMS