It's A Hawaiian Miracle...

Since the dawn of mankind, man has made incredible strides. Advancements in science and progressions in creativity have led man to amazing heights. These developments have ensured the survival of man as a species. Regardless of whether you believe in divine creation or evolution, the succession of man is one inspiring journey of achievement.

In the beginning, the stereotypically coined "caveman" or Neanderthal people discovered fire which ultimately ensured their continued survival in an otherwise inhospitable environment. Even though the dinosaurs were extinct 65 million years before man's appearance, the Fred Flintstone style "caveman" made drastic improvements including the creation of the wheel. Dino and Bam Bam aside, human beings were in need of vast improvements in order to stake our claim and take our place at the top of the food chain. 

Those advancements ultimately led us to huge strides in science. Every century, a miracle cure is discovered that undoubtedly saves the lives of millions and millions of people. Whether it was surviving the Black Death (Bubonic plague), discovering the vaccination for Smallpox, the creation of Penicillin and Insulin, or any other number of advancements in medical history, we have come a long way. Man has created artificial hearts, robotic catheters, x-ray machines, ultrasound devices, and processes for organ transplants. 

Heck, we have even created Viagra.

And, at some point, I believe mankind will discover cures for cancer, the HIV virus, and AIDS.  So, needless to say, man has made incredible advancements in medicine. And, all of our lives are better for it.

With all these advancements, it amazes me that we have not discovered a cure for one of the most annoying and uncomfortable epidemics to ever plague mankind. Do you know what I am talking about? You should...we have all had them at one point in time. And, I am not talking about a drinking problem. But, I'm not talking milk comas...I'm talking about the hiccups...

In our infinite wisdom, we have tried asinine attempts to relieve, subside, and cure our arch enemy...the hiccups. We have attempted to hold our breath for extended periods of times, hyperventilate into paper bags, gargle with ice water from a glacier, drink H2O upside down, hold a teaspoon of sugar to the roof of our mouths, crossing our eyes like morons, singing "She Bangs" at the top of our lungs like William Hung, and even scare the living hell out of each other.

Seriously people! Seriously! That is the best that we could do?! 

Until today, it seemed as if the true cure for hiccups was always going to evade mankind. But, little did I know, the cure has been hiding on the tropical islands of Hawaii for decades. It's a Hawaiian Miracle...

For the first time, I am releasing this miracle cure to the public. But, WAIT...for a limited time...if you call now...you can get two cures for the price of one...just pay shipping and handling. Anyways, while I cannot release the name of my source...it goes without saying that this little gem was shared with me by my favorite infectious loud-laughing Hawaiian. And, she is convinced that it works...

Without further adieu, I will share with you the miracle cure as tested and successful used by Hawaiians for centuries. Remember, this process was tested by one Hawaiian tonight. She completed her research as I watched closely. And, she is convinced that it works...

This evening, Braxton, our chunky man got the hiccups. He was very upset. He hates the hiccups. And, we tried for seconds to get rid of them. We tried to make him drink upside down (that was a joke CPS), we tried to get them to sing (which just turned out to be crying), and Meagan scares them all the time so we threw that out the window (again, another failed test).

Hawaii is known for their miracle cures. While some cures seem extreme, like the classic hanging one from the tallest palm tree by his/her ankles when the full moon is out...others make perfect sense. So, this evening, in order to cure Braxton's hiccups, we used the traditional Hawaiian cure.

You are on the edge of your seat. I know you can barely contain your excitement. You have dreamed of getting rid of the hiccups for years. And, know you can in a few simple steps.

First, you need a paper product. Literally any paper product will do. However, I personally prefer the Extra-Strength Double Roll of Brawny Paper Towels. In particular, the roll featuring pictures of little trains, but that is beside the point. Sorry, I always seem to get sidetracked. I really need to work on staying on topic. It would be beneficial for me to stick to one topic at the time. By the way, did you watch the Olympics today? I saw Michael Phelps swim his final race. It is pretty crazy to think he won 22 medals. Speaking of medals, I like medals made of metal. Crazy right?! Wait, where were we?!

Ohhhh yeah...paper products. So, you need a piece of a paper product. For example, rip a small corner off of those Extra-Strength Double Roll of Brawny Paper Towels (don't forget the trains, or Michael Phelps, or the medals of metal)...

Now, lick this piece of paper so it is moist.

And, lastly, stick it to your forehead.

That's right...Ask Braxton! It really works!

Yes, you will look like an idiot. People will laugh at you. You may even laugh at yourself. But, in the end, your hiccups will go away.

That's right...

Roughly five and half minutes after you place those little trains on your head, you will experience the relief that comes with not having hiccups anymore.

So, just send me a check or money order for $29.95 and I will send you those special Extra-Strength Double Roll Brawny Paper Towels with the trains (because I bought them all). And, if you act right now, I will throw in a second roll...just pay shipping and handling.