Sunday, May 12, 2013

11 Months of Joyful Chaos...

Boston and Braxton,
As I sit here, there are so many words that come to my mind. However, none of them seem to do justice for the feelings that truly reside in my heart. As tears fill my eyes and blur my vision, I stare at a blank screen and a blinking cursor. I have written and deleted words over and over again. One day, I hope I can truly share the feelings of my heart with you. But, for now, hopefully these will suffice.
 With the click of a button, I am watching a slide show of you two and my heart is suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude, happiness and love. As I think of the past eleven months of my life, I am in awe of what has transpired. I have felt scared, overwhelmed and inadequate. I have cried. I have laughed. I have felt more love than I ever thought was possible. The incredible range and rush of emotions has been truly an experience that I cannot describe with words.
11 months ago, I laid in bed unable to sleep. I was tossing and turning due to a jumble of emotions; fear, excitement, anticipation and thankfulness. As we drove to the hospital, I pondered my readiness to become a father. And, while I have been blessed with great examples of wonderful fathers in my life, I felt far from adequate to start the journey of being yours. I wished I was better prepared. But, regardless of my readiness, I knew that I would work as hard as I could to be the best father I could be.
As I stood in the hallway while your momma was receiving her epidural, my knees grew weak...mostly because I am terrified of needles and I hate hospitals, but also because I was unsure of how the next few minutes would play out. Would every one be healthy? Would there be 20 fingers and 20 toes? Would you be white? Ok, that last one was a joke. But, in that moment, a million thoughts bounced around my mind.
When the time came to enter the room, I was scared for your momma. I was excited for her. I was in awe of her. I was inspired by her. In the time that I have known her, she has done and endured so many amazing and incredibly difficult things. But, even with her resume of awesomeness, nothing could compare to the journey of the last 38 weeks that was about to come to it's pinnacle. And, the thought of watching her hold the two of you in her arms melted my heart.
After each of you were born, the nurses held each of you near her and she cried. As I looked at the smile on her face, I knew that heaven existed on Earth. The miracle of life had just happened right in front of me, and I was truly amazed by the experience.
Fast forward 11 months...

As I sit here writing this, I watch you guys zooming around all over the place. My life has changed dramatically. In many ways, I cannot imagine what my life used to be like. As much as I thought I would, I don't miss the late nights, the hours of XBox or the random hang out with the guys. I thought that the changes would be hard, but they weren't. I go to bed earlier now, so that I won't miss you as much when you are asleep. Rather than XBox, I spend my evenings playing cars, giving piggybacks, watching BabyFirst TV and chasing you handsome devils around. Rather than hanging out with the guys, I get to spend my weekends playing at the Splash Park, going on walks and crawling around the living room floor with you guys. And, I wouldn't change it for the world. It is the dad life and it is truly remarkable.
In 11 months, I have watched you guys grow from little wrinkly aliens that couldn't hold up their heads to little dudes that sit up on their own to handsome devils that crawleed all over the place to silly jokesters that stand up, walk ocassionally, climb on everything and talk constantly. I have seen you guys develop into amazing fellas that are incredibly smart and super happy. I am excited for what the future holds because the ride thus far has been one of undeniable and constant joy.
With every step, every smile and every giggle another ounce of love that I didn't think could exist courses through my body. Just when I think my heart has reached it's capacity, when my gauge is on full, when I am overwhelmed by the amount of love I am those moments, just like the Grinch, my heart grows 3 sizes those days. It is truly incredible the amount of love that can reside within a human heart. And, every ounce of it is for you two and your amazing mother.
justindalebarrow's Just for Fun album on Photobucket

Boston, as I look into your eyes and see that mischievous smile form on your face, I cannot help but wonder what you will be like. You already have so much personality. You love to joke and giggle. You love to play and you never stop moving. You chase around the puppies and love eating Mandarin Oranges. You have recently become more of a daddy's boy which I absolutely love. You make me laugh every single day. You are my boy and I love you.

Braxton, your eyes twinkle as you smile at everyone you can. You are already such a loving and snugly boy. You love to talk and you never stop babbling. You like to play with any cord you can find. You like to play Peek-a-boo, PattyCake and So Big. You love eating pizza and watermelon. You like to push your brother in his car and you love your mommy more than I can even imagine. You make me say "awe" every single say. You are my boy and I love you.

You two love to play together. You find joy in each other and it warms my heart. Every morning when you guys wake up, you will spend the next half hour babbling back and forth. And, while I am sure you are plotting against, I love every minute of it.

In a month, you guys will be a whole year old. And, if every year can be like the last, it is going to an amazing life. So, as I hit my knees, I thank God for each of you and your mom. He has blessed me with so much that I don't deserve. But, I will accept the blessings I don't deserve, especially when they come in packages as awesome, beautiful and as truly inspiring as the two of you and your mother.

I love you guys and mommy too. Let the joyful chaos continue.


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