Tuesday, December 06, 2011

The Shakes...

Dear Baby Barrow,

The shakes...I have them. Not all the time but occasionally. Apprehension, nervousness, inadequacy...you can call it whatever you would like, but for me, I call it "the shakes". I am not exactly sure why I refer to those feelings that way, but I do. Maybe, just maybe, I do it to make "light" of those feelings. At any rate, I always have and I probably always will refer to them that way. I am sure that at some point in your life, I will ask you about "the shakes". I will probably ask you about them before your first day of school. I will surely ask you about them before your first date. It will come up right before your wedding. And, I can guarantee that I will ask you when the time comes for you to have a child of your own. So, at some point, you will feel the shakes and you will know what I am talking about. Just know, that when that time comes, you will have a loving father to talk to about them.

Now, back to "the shakes" that I am feeling. As I have been writing this blog, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have probably done more introspection these past few weeks than I did in my entire life previously. As I think about you, I am forced to look inside myself and evaluate me. It is a good thing, something I should do more often than I do. But, with it, "the shakes" arrive. They come and go...but, they definitely come more often these days.

As I look inside myself, I am consumed by a feeling of inadequacy. Thoughts, questions, fears all bounce around my troubled mind. I wonder if I will be a good father like my dad was to me. I know I will try harder than you will ever know to be a good dad to you, but it still scares me. I have failed at a lot of things in my life, and this is simply one thing that I refuse to fail at. All my shortcomings (and there are a lot of them...too many to list here), all my failures (again...a lot), all my mistakes (too many to count), all the inadequacy (you get the idea), and all the fear (too much) have lead me to this point in my life and have prepared me to be your father. After all, who wants a perfect father to live up to. You have a father with a lot of rough edges that he is trying to smooth out, a process that I am sure you will help me with. And, throughout that life-long process, we will develop a special bond and I will be forever grateful to you for making me a little smoother than I was before you came into my life. I am already grateful to you as that "smoothing" process has already begun. See, you make me want to be a better person. Mommy and you help me to strive to be the person that I have always hoped to be. And, I am forever grateful for that.

So, regardless of "the shakes", I am ready to be your dad and hopefully I will be a good one. I will strive every second of everyday to be the best dad that I can be. We will work at it together because I will need a lot of help. Us working together is only logical because you will be new here and I will be new to the dad thing. We will both be rookies. It will be your first time having a dad and it will be my first time having a child. Together, we will make it and it will be an amazing ride even if "the shakes" come from time to time. I love you and cannot wait for you to feel "the shakes" with me.

Love Daddy

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