Saturday, June 09, 2012

ESCAPEY...

I backed out of the driveway in a hurry. For a moment, I sat idly in the middle of the road as Ozzy Osbourne's "Crazy Train" began to blast through the speakers of my Dodge Journey.

At the top of his lungs, Ozzy shouted, "ALLLLL ABBBBBOOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDDDD".

With that, I revved the V4 engine of my SUV that was often mistaken for a mini van. The engine purred like a small cat on a low dose of steroids. And, like a foam ball being shot from a Nerf gun, I was off. Faster than a Power Wheel, quicker than a caterpillar, and more speedy than a geriatric with a walker, I sped away. With so many thoughts running through my head, I was not sure how to process them all.

How was I going to be able to handle TWO babies? Two babies at the same time? This couldn't be happening...

With panic overcoming me, my hands shook as I barely dodged a small boy on a blue Huffy bike. He screamed and crashed into some bushes as I jetted past. The gate began to close attempting to halter my escape. It jaws were getting closer and closer together. I slammed my foot down on the accelerator. My V4 engine shot the car forward with a tiny burst of power similar to a midget on Redbull. Suddenly, a speed bump sent my Journey airborne. It was like a scene from a movie. You know, the one where the car gets two inches off the ground for a split second?! Yeah, that was me.

My thoughts overwhelmed me again. The diapers, the crying, the dying umbilical cords...

It was simply too much. My current mission returned to the forefront of my senses as I narrowly missed the closing gate. How far could I get on the contents of my pockets alone? And, what other treasures were in my getaway vehicle? I couldn't use the credit cards or the bank accounts. I needed to leave her with something. I pulled off the road and into the dirt lot on the corner. The anxiety was too much! I began to hyperventilate. My stomach was in knots, and my heart was pounding. Sweat was pouring from my brow. My eyes began to burn as beads of sweat somehow found their way into my eyes. Or were they tears? I really didn't know.

What was going to happen to Marley? I couldn't just leave him behind. He would be crushed. I would be crushed. We were like Mike & Ike, Mickey Mouse & Pluto, and Unicorns & Glitter. We were inseperable. But, TWO BABIES?! I guess I could just text my dad. He would take care of him. As for Mouse, she is a street rat...she is feisty enough to take care of herself.

I popped the hatch of the SUV and emptied my pockets. The contents of which included a tube of chapstick, a Justin Beiber "Never Say Never" ticket stub, a pack of Fruit Stripes gum, two Tootsie Roll wrappers, an iPhone, and a small collection of Presidential friends. I had a Jackson, a Hamilton, a couple Lincolns, and a small army of Washingtons. With all of this, I couldn't get far. But, then I spotted it. My saving grace.

In the back seat, I spotted my wife's purse. It was just sitting there in all its glory. I could live out of that thing for weeks. It was filled with granola bars, Swiss Cake Rolls, a bag of pretzels, and a handful of other snacks. It contained food storage for a small family.

I was relieved. I jumped back it to the pilot's seat and peeled out as rocks and dust shot up in the air. As I did, I began to debate on where to escape to. ESCAPE...haha...that's funny...it is spelled just like ESCAPE.


Escapey

Mexico or Canada? The weather is beautiful in both locations. I looked at my pasty complexion in the rear view mirror as I slowly thought to myself in Spanish...Yo necesito un tano. Yeah, my Spanish is excelente. My Spanish is topo notcho. My decision was made. I was going to become a residente de Mexico. But, prior to my journey south...I needed to stop for a Chicken Soft Taco. I needed to carbo-load for my trip. So, I pulled into Del Taco for a snack. After all, Mexico is a long ways away. I began to order item after item, but as Sabrina read back my order, I was shocked to find it was nothing I wanted. Heck, I don't even like Del Taco. My order was everything my beautiful wife usually ordered on my dreaded trips to the mediocre taco shack.

And, with that, I knew right where I should be. So, yes...Del Taco saved my marriage. It kept me from escaping...

And, in the end, I returned home because I knew that with her is right where I should be. Plus, I wasn't going to waste a Del Combo Burrito...

At least, until the next time I get in the car...


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