Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Modern Medical Horrors...

If you ask any pregnant woman, she will tell you just how uncomfortable pregnancy is. She will tell you that her feet ache, her back hurts, and she just cannot get comfortable. She will tell you she is always tired, sleep is a struggle, and the nights are longer than she imagined. She will let you know that she feels larger than the Goodyear Blimp and that even on a good day...Shamu has nothing on her.

The pregnant woman is always tired and often in pain. Being uncomfortable is just part of the pregnancy process. But...I guarantee, in the end...the majority of moms will say that every second of pain and suffering was worth it when they hold they bundle of joy or bundles.

Still, I cannot stress enough the fact that pregnancy is incredibly uncomfortable for women.

Can you please do me a favor? I am assuming you said "yes". But, if you didn't...then I don't have time for you.

Throughout life, we have all experienced those uncomfortable moments. I am not talking about the physically uncomfortable moments though. I am talking about those moments that make one feel like all the eyes in the world are on them. It is not necessarily an embarrassing moment...it is more like an unimaginable horror that the likes of Wes Craven or the psychos who created Saw couldn't comprehend.

Think back to your most horrifying, uncomfortable, and embarrassing moment. Remember how you felt...yeah...I just made you feel incredibly uncomfortable as you thought about being uncomfortable. I know...I know...I wield amazing power over you. After all, you keep coming back for more.

During this journey of pregnancy, I have learned just how uncomfortable Western Medicine can be. Uncomfortable moments in my life, the ones that I have tried desperately to forget came back to my mind when I attended my wife's first ultrasound. It brought back the horrors of my childhood. You see...when I was 12 years old, I had to get my first physical. As every guy knows, eventually, the dreaded "drop your pants and cough" moment occurs. In that moment, you hope you remembered to wear clean underwear. After all, no one wants to see your streaks as you streak. Unless you are wearing you banana hammock that is. You also think about the temperature in the room...is it cold...has shrinkage occurred. This could be bad. I am not sure why that thought comes to mind because it is not like you plan on using your equipment on the doctor. And, if you are, you have probably watched too many adult movies. You probably half expect "Bow Chicka Wow Wow" in the background.

Anyways, all that aside, the hernia check is horrifying. But, this moment is overly uncomfortable for a 12 year old. And, to make it worse, a woman was giving me my first hernia examine. Needless to say, when I was told to drop my pants, I blushed. And, I think she may have to.

Every guy complains about the hernia check. Standing naked, twig and berries exposed, in front of a complete stranger or the family doctor that you have seen since you were 6 is not the ideal situation. If you are comfortable with this situation or enjoy it, I am a little worried about you. But, maybe you are just an aspiring "actor".

Another time, I had to receive a Barium Enema. I laid there naked on a metal table while my ass froze. And, hopefully, I was not getting a hernia check after because I am pretty sure there was some shrinkage. The doctor along with what seemed like a football team of assistants and nurses proceeded to place a tube in my rectum and turned me into a combo of a milk shake and a hot air balloon. I just completed one of those full shivers. Enough about me...

Guys, we no longer have ANY room to talk. Once a year, we have to go through the uncomfortable hernia check. And, maybe once or twice (or a hand full at the most) in a lifetime, you may have to experience the horrors of the enema. But, after it, you will take the best #2 while experiencing the most horrific gas ever. So, in that case, maybe it is worth it.

As for a pregnant woman, they have to experience the uncomfortable horrors every time they visit the doctor. It is like the movie "Hostel" every single time. I have never seen it, but I hear it is pretty horrible. I have watched horror movies with less graphic and disturbing scenes.

On a monthly basis, a pregnant woman has to lay naked on a table covered in what looks like a wash cloth. If that isn't enough, the cervical ultrasound comes on occasion. And, after watching that, I questioned my manhood for a good hour.

With that in mind, I won't complain about seeing the doctor...well not until I have to have my prostate examined.

When I hear that glove snap for the other end, all bets are off.

Oh, the joys of Western Medicine.

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